Reading Salman Rushdie in New Mexico
Writing Wounded, For the Clown Approaches His Kind

Picturing Him

Awake at 3 a.m. I started picturing him. He’s always lying in bed on his back, with one arm folded up under his head. He’s always talking about something, looking up at the ceiling. I’m always nestled against his side, with my head resting on his right shoulder and my right arm at an angle lying across his chest.

He doesn’t have any particular look. Friends ask me all the time what my “type” is. I always respond that I don’t know that I have a type; more I know what I don’t like.

Once I said that it mattered that I knew what his favourite novel was and, more importantly, understood why. That this mattered more than how we went about our relationships – our attitudes, responses, and expectations. At the time I felt all those things, those differences, could be discussed and worked out. The other was the sort of deep connection that is a rarity.

Sounds silly now.

Now I realize that this is one of the necessary things – how you relate to someone you love. It can’t all be discussed and worked out; either you have similar approaches or you don’t. Alongside your outlook on life and what centers and grounds you, this is essential. That in these you find a depth of connection whose meaning surpasses the rarity of the other connection.

This is the process. The process of broadening and narrowing your attraction as you experience another person. And another. And another.

So there are the essential things about him, at least the essential things at this point in my story. Then there are the things that aren’t necessary, but that you’d like for him to be, say, do, think, like, want. Here’s the fun of the new person who expands your list, who opens you up to new experiences – “I wouldn’t have put that on my list, but I really like it.”

My mind rambles around the attributes, building the list. I do like this; I don’t like that. Yet, it always comes back to the image. We lie there and he’s talking about something that interests him. And I’m content, absorbed in this moment, in him.

Comments

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Trav

I really like this post, Scott. I like how open and personal it is, and how unassuming it is about a very controversial topic...a topic that I know very little about.

I do not understand homosexuality. I'll be the first to admit it. And to be honest, I never really tried. I mean, sure, we studied it for 10 minutes one day in my Psychology class, but that's about it. It isn't that I am afraid of what I might come to learn, and it's not because my current ethos/belief system requires me to shun the topic. I just have a hard time finding a source of information on the subject that does not try to promote an agenda. I get frustrated with people telling me what to think without saying why, and so I move on to something easy like Thermochemistry.

While I am not gay, through your site I am able to see past all of the political and social agendas and see the human side of being gay. You do not write about homosexuality as if it were something that should or should not be done, and you do not make any assumptions about "what being gay REALLY means." You just write about YOU, and that is extremely refreshing.

I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your writing. I'm sure that you get plenty of comments from people who agree or disagree with what you have to say...but I wanted to be the guy who tells you that regardless of my approval, your writing is important.

Scott Jones

Thanks Trav.

That's really been my goal.

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