Twas this line of thought that was the life rope that was my long climb out of the deep well of Nihilism. It's further consequence was the rejection of other orthodoxies and sacred cows that are part of modern america.

Here I am in the dark well, wishing I lived in a space that was more than a sea of emptiness. But alas, could not live as such ... the accusation of wish fulfillment was ever-present in my mind. I looked closely at the natural world ... such beauty, such design ... and so easy to imagine an explanation of utility. Even the mere sketch of utilitarian explanation was more plausible than beauty through and through. So many pillars of my miserable world view constructed along my coming of age. Huge, indestructible Pillars, bolstered by careful REASON. Did I not learn of other religions in 3rd grade social studies ... whole cultures who had never heard of the bible or jesus. This was the beginning of my doubts. My esteem for the sciences ... I idolized Ken Harvey ... not just because he was a good teacher. But because he was science teacher. I had already taken the epistemic position of scientism by the time I was in jr. high (and yet did not know of epistemology) .... In retrospect, I was already half a naturalist by the time I was a sophomore. The other half was completed when I carefully REASONED about the mind from a naturalistic perspective. And then the glorious conclusion: REASON itself was absurd. I had already abandoned Moral Oughtness because of my NaturalisticWorldView. I lived as such. I now saw that there was no Oughtness to Reason itself. I had come to the same conclusions as my post-modern counterparts. The only difference is that I took notes on the way down the well ... placing a marker where I lost parts of my soul. And most importantly I remembered my journey down the well. It was as if I fell down the well in slow motion, and had access to the replay. I remembered what had pushed me into the well at the top, had disqualified itself at the bottom. The prescriptiveness of reason ... combined with what had to be faulty premises. The haze began to clear ... and I saw the rope in front of me. It was like one huge modus tollens over the course of my life. It took me a while to even test the rope for its strength. I had no confidence as a person. But I overcame and began to climb ... and started to build confidence. Confidence to push back. Confidence to think for my self. Confidence to look at ideas I didn't like ... and to get it honest. On the way up I re-examined battles I had lost on the way down. Large and important and beautiful pieces of my fractured soul. And reclaimed them. There are too many to list here ... (but certainly among them are what are mentioned above. That is that goodness, truth, and beauty, and God are real. and reclaiming what scientism took from me).

I'm out of the well now ... but hurt and bleedn'. my reflex is still to find beauty as an illusion ... to trust the sciences the most (even to trust those challengers from Intelligent Design Camp ... there is more on this about my new found thirst for literature, which I hated until 40 ... and sadly, have no skill to imbibe). But what is different is that I am keenly aware of my plausibility structures and where it came from. I'm post-modern in the sense that I have come through modernism ... alive, kicking and screaming. burnt and bruised ... and wise enough not to jump off Derrida's cliff (and can I include Rorty here? Is it me or does he seem like an american counterpart to those french folks ... and while i'm at it, from what i've tried to read of Derrida ... or mainly interacting with Derrida Devotes, they seem like they are being good little materialists, and now want to show mommy and daddy how devoted they are to mindlessness ... literally and literally ;-) ).

And like the foul stench of vodka that is everywhere after a night of hard living, I am still sensitive to nihilism where ever I happen to cross its path.
(I had to put this in a separate space ... mostly because of my run on from above ... and because it's a huge part of me ... part of my zeal. what I am for and what repulses me). And I'm sorry for my careless writing ... but I assume you are not pedantic. It's a freaking blog ... and it's my honesty I'm spilling for you. So be charitable, please?

~If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.

C.S. Lewis